completed illustrations - click to enlarge

preparatory sketches

FAQs

They're not all politically incorrect, why not?

Sometimes it's subtle: 'Lion' looks OK at first glance, but remember animals in circuses are a PC no-no. Sometimes it's very subtle: 'Boy' makes no sense unless compared with 'Girl'. Sometimes it's arguable: 'Skeleton' has sound educational value, and is just a little scary, not unPC. And sometimes it's just because I wanted to draw the picture. The comments on an illustration on the archived chat pages (down a bit to the left) will probably let you know.

You've got enough already, why are you asking for suggestions for more?

Because I've got too much time on my hands.

I made a suggestion but you haven't illustrated it yet, why not?

Because I haven't got that much time on my hands.

They're a bit small aren't they?

To view a double size version of your favourite image just click on the image and it will open in a new window.

Advanced time-wasters will discover that subsequent double sized images open in the same little window, so you can select a sequence of images from this page and then animate them in the small window using the 'forward' and 'back' key commands.

Don't they go any bigger than that?

The online gif images are derived from vector originals which are fully scaleable. They could be enlarged to the size of a bus but then they wouldn't fit in your PC.

The original images contain exquisite fine detail which is unfortunately lost at the resolution used for online viewing.

How about smaller?

I use a thick crayon for my outlines so yes, they do reduce down quite well, for if you want to see how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. They could make a nice little set of icons, not that I feel the urge (yet).

They don't look much like Dick Bruna's drawings to me.

No, but then he's highly talented and I'm just persistent. Anyway, that's not a question.

Why don't you have any blue or green?

The blue and green in my paint box ran out and now I'm left with just the rest.

Repeated attempts to perfect this picture of my dream home eventually had to be abandoned when painting the sky and the ground used up all the blue and green. Leaving a gap between the two only delayed the tragic end by a few weeks.

But is it art?

Do I care? Do you care? Does the estate of the late Andy Warhol care? Probably not, but I claim my 15 minutes of fame.

Why does this page take so long to load?

I know, I'm really sorry about that. It used to load in a jiffy, but that was before I added over 100 (count them) illustrations. They're mainly very small file sizes though so it won't take much longer.

I work on the big sanpro account at SSBBW Goatse, can we employ your look and feel in our new DTC campaign?

Oh yes, please, commission some illustrations from me and there'll be food on my table again. I might be doing this for love but I love to do this for money. Get out your cheque book and call me.

Can I have one all of my very own!

Would you like an illustration JUST FOR YOU? Specially hand-crafted to bring out the best of your defining characteristics? This is what 'The Nephew' requested and look what he now boasts as his avatar - a life-like portrait that salutes his years of loyal service to the UK cable industry. If you want such an illustration, and are short of large sums of cash, all you need do is arrange for your mother† to marry one of my wife's brothers‡ and then you'll have both a new uncle and a new avatar too!

† Conditions apply.
‡ Other terms available on request.

Where did you copy this idea from?

As far as I know, when I started the politically incorrect alphabet in mid October 2005 there was nothing like it on the web. Some dictionaries yes, but an illustrated ABC no#.

You might have seen (perhaps) in 2004 a set of cards promoting Hepatitis C awareness (example above) but I did those## so it's not copying, just recycling!

Political correctness as a concept has been around since the late C20th and spawned various parodies, such as Beard and Cerf's 1992 book 'The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook' (since updated) which poked fun at PC proscriptions but polluted the waters by including many PC alternatives invented by 'The American Hyphen Society' (i.e. Beard and Cerf and their mates) - which have then gone on to be quoted in turn as examples of "political correctness gone mad".

# Update Aug 2006: there's nothing new under the sun. In a similar vein Suzi and Georg of 'Twisted Twee' have been putting splendid "Child Unfriendly Alphabet" designs on children's clobber since 2004 - see their work at Portobello Market or buy online. Beholder's "Alphabet for Geniuses" dates back to 1993 or so, online since 1996, and may not be the same joke but deserves a mention for wit and quality of execution.

## I'd just racked up the line of cocaine on a glass topped desk for this photo when in walked the MD of the company I was working for. Fortunately not with a client.

Incidentally, it was salt - we didn't have a budget for the real thing. And yes, I do work for a living when I'm not wasting time here.

Someone told me there were some naughty rude ones, where are they?

Who has been telling stories? That's just a nasty rumour and I couldn't possibly comment.

Who are you anyway?

I am the headmaster.