the politically incorrect alphabet


DJ on

Bouncer - Bubba

Bomber on

Bouncer - Bubba 2

Bomber off



The School Bully
Posted on: 3 December 2005, 7:39pm

I'm not sure if this qualifies, but we are told that 'bouncer' is not a preferred term any more, and the new, government-approved term is 'door supervisor'. However, I have yet to hear anyone call me that in my job as a bouncer. Does it qualify for your alphabet?

The Headmaster
Posted on: 4 December 2005, 11:51am

I'd like to say "sorry, you're not coming in" but I think you might be on the guest list after all.

The School Bully
Posted on: 4 December 2005, 12:40pm

Excellent! How do you picture the flashcard? Bald? Brick shithouse?

The Headmaster
Posted on: 5 December 2005, 9:54am

Bald and brick shithouse both, maybe with stubble, squashed nose, dj and dicky bow (rather than the puffer jacket style) and one hand held out, the other balled in a fist for if the first doesn't work.

A local (Reading) pub/night club (now closed, from the defunct Linden Tree chain) had a bouncer who was the most entertaining thing about in the place. Robocop's sister. She'd scan the room with her cyborg eyes until she spotted a perp, then march in and eject with a perfect economy of movement. Hours of watching pleasure.

The School Bully
Posted on: 5 December 2005, 1:14pm

Sounds good to me. At work we aren't given DJs and dicky bows, instead I wear your standard-issue black nylon bomber jacket with 'security' written on in white letters. To me, DJs aren't your standard bouncer uniform, but I think the DJ will give the bouncer in the flashcard a bit of class, and make him more recognisable than one wearing a bomber jacket. Is that what you were thinking too?

It's funny you should mention Robocop's sister, as I too was accused of being 'Robocop' by a punter a month or two ago and I don't even look like him. Another common taunt, which I mention because it's in the spirit of these forums, is 'were you a bully when you were at school?'. The public don't always have a very high opinion of us.

The Headmaster
Posted on: 5 December 2005, 11:44pm

The School Bully, you're up. The bomber jacket might be common now but the DJ is traditional I think. The stance is "You can't come in in trainers" (or whatever is today's random clothing rule passed down from the menagement). The scar could be from a glassing, then again it could be from a slipped crochet hook - it's probably best not to ask.

I've always found the bouncers in Reading to be extremely polite. Then again, so am I whenever I'm talking with them, which probably helps.

The School Bully
Posted on: 6 December 2005, 10:44am

Fantastic! It's just like looking in the mirror!

The Lawyer
Posted on: 12 December 2005, 5:33pm

Headmaster, do you not remember you were refused entry to a Chesterfield club because you were wearing "Doc Mart's"?

When you wittily, and politely, riposted that they were not Dr Martin's, but were Czechoslovakian copies - you were still refused entry. 

Fairy Princess
Posted on: 13 December 2005, 12:50pm

I love that story.

The Headmaster
Posted on: 13 December 2005, 10:56pm

I do remember - I was impressed at the time, and still am, that I was able to pronounce 'Czechoslovakian', given the state that I was in.

The School Bully
Posted on: 23 December 2005, 10:47am

How difficult is it to adapt pictures you're already drawn? I was wondering how he'd look with about 5 more stone on him - the standard bouncer template of 'gorilla in a DJ'. This doorman looks relatively skinny. I guess all it would need would be his body filling out and the line of a beergut drawn on his belly. How about it?

Did the bouncer refusing you entry look confused at all when you told him they were copies, Headmaster?

The Headmaster
Posted on: 23 December 2005, 4:45pm

It is of course staggeringly difficult to adapt existing illustrations, because my wax crayons smudge when you try to rub them out. Though you're right - he could perhaps do with a bit more ballast - I was being kind and putting the weight in his shoulders.

The bouncer refusing me entry looked more world-weary than confused, I think, though I'm not a reliable witness.

The School Bully
Posted on: 8 January 2006, 8:34pm

World-weary is a good look for a bouncer. I use it now and then. He's likely to have been wearing steel toe boots himself, and you should have picked him up on that.

It's a shame about the smudging. The bouncer in the picture looks like a kind of a gangster type, maybe he'd have the nickname 'Shoulders' or something. Most bouncers I know, myself included, cultivate an impressive spare tyre - as in tractor tyre. If you're not filling out your bomber jacket with a bit of blubber, it just looks wrong.

Perhaps I'm being overly unkind to my profession in these posts.

If you have the time, a porky-looking ape-bouncer would be cool.

On a similar note, I'm now told that security staff in general are not 'security guards'. 'Guard' is now a demeaning word. 'Security officer', thank you.

The Headmaster
Posted on: 19 June 2006, 2:37pm

The School Bully (aka Bubba) has promised to put me on the VIP guest list, so I've added a portrait of him at work, practicing his death stare. At the establishments he represents a dickie and DJ would be considered overdressed, so instead it's a bomber jacket and T-shirt, with some room for growth.

Someone seems to have spilt a little red wine on the step - better mop that up quickly before someone slips on it!

The School Bully
Posted on: 20 June 2006, 9:25am

The picture is eerily accurate, particularly the nice curvature on the stomach there.

The text on this page is archived from The Politically Incorrect Alphabet Forum - which unfortunately broke on August 2nd 2006 through overuse. A list of completed un-PC illustrations and their archived threads can be found here.

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